Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward

Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise

Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line