Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game

Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

Gods work.

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?