Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
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#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…