remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
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Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
these two trucks have the same bed length
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.