Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

“Don’t take this wrong but…”

Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.

“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.