Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

Feel. He’s so soft.

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom