Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
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Who’s ready for Friday?!
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Printer ink is expensive
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Omg 🤣
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores