Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
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my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
British people
the simulation is moving too fast
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
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How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.