Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
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You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.