Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day