Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.