Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
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when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.