Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
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Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.