Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
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Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Dumplings,
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*