Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

my sentiments exactly

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

Bringing home a sharpie

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography