Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

You got this…

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’