Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us

Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.