Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

extrovert: *answers unknown number*

introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”