Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?

Me: ok Socrates time for bed

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.