Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
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Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
a fate I wish upon no one
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Things will get butter, keep churning
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
incredible book dedication
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.