Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
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I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
When they try to steal your moment.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.