Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
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Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Ears are great for tucking your hair behind in the wind. Big shout out to ears.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Morning.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.