Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

A duv-egg? In this economy?

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

Damn … History Channel 😀

#archaeohistories

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.