Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
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Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
time for some seasonal decor
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops