Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
me refusing to leave twitter
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
sry
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
