Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
🤣🤣🤣
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
There are no pants in heaven.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
