Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
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Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”