Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
me hooking up with my ex
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
