Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
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“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.