Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
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[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.