Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
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Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.