Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
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Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
This could be us… but you playing
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.