Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
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Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.