Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
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I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine