[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
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Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I can’t be the only one 😂