Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
You Might Also Like
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Daughter: [giving me attitude]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Daughter: Dad I’m 24.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
This billboard speaks to me
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”