Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life

iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

put ‘er there pardner!

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.