Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’

Beers ranked:

1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all