Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
