Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Pretty much! 😂👀
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
bags with threatening auras
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
