Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
You Might Also Like
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I can also cook 😂
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan