Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
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[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck