Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
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Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Mmmm canned fish.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.