Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
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I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude