Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

The three genders

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

I’m pretty like a car crash.

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.