Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*