Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
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what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
It’s on my to-do list.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
yikes
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired