Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
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*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Sir!!
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.