Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
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Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Oops I deleted….
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
out-housing market appears to be strong
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
making sure he doesnt get away
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.