Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
You Might Also Like
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Good morning
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.