Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
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[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
God has left this place
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.