Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.