Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
You Might Also Like
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Yes, this is exactly right
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
A great tip. #CakeRex
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK