Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
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My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
wait.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*