Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
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If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Me: Please take my kids for a little bit
School: lol snow
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
*serious situation*
My brain:
I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic