Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
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My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM