Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.