Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
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I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.