Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
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Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses