Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

☠️☠️☠️

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party

They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.