Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
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Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
💀🤣
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything