Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
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13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.