Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
This made me chuckle.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
