Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
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Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
my car accidentally drove to chick-fil-a again i hate when it does that
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*