Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
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Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Thursday Thought.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again