Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
You Might Also Like
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.