Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
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My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.