Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.

Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!

the way that my cat confidently throws himself into the same screen door on a daily basis trying to catch unobtainable lizards gives me hope that i can also remain upbeat and mildly delusional about what’s possible

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

Where’s my employee discount too?

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings