Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
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[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.