Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
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Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
the clam before the storm
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-