Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

Orange is oranging 🟠

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

The 5 signs of laziness

1.