Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then