Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

Hey i am sexy to you now

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people

If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!