Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
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Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Extremely relatable.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”