Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
The 6 types of sex
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
